I am feeling a bit uneasy these days. Things are quiet. …Too quiet. I have an all too familiar pain in my stomach and anxiety levels are beginning to rise. I swore this time that I would be prepared—that I wouldn’t let myself get bogged down by the stress of it all—but once again I find myself here.
Ok, it is really not that dramatic. Or at least, it shouldn’t be. But for some reason I have gotten really good over the years at stressing out. I don’t really know how it happened; and there is really no logical reason for me to be at this level of stress. I always end up doing just fine on my finals.
I will say this: I found finals week to be a breeze in high school—and not just because the work was easier back then. Perhaps it has to do with the fact that I went to a high school with over 3,000 people. In a crowd that size, it was really easy to slide under the radar. I never realized that a large group of people could be such a security blanket. Now? I will be graduating from my university in a class of about 25 students.
So what’s the big deal? Going to a university of this size has actually been an extremely positive experience for me. I know the administration; I know the faculty. One-on-one time with my professors is not only possible; it is virtually inevitable. And the community of students is something I would not trade for anything. I really do love my school. It just often makes it very difficult for me to be “comfortable.” It’s a lot harder to slide under the radar in a crowd of 25 than it is in one of 3,000.
You see, at a large school, I had the ability to do less than my full potential because I could comfort myself with the fact that I was still doing better than a good majority of the other students in my class (I know. A terrible way of looking at things, right?). At a school of my size now, I know the names, faces, and general history of everyone in my class. Talk about pressure.
Yet I know that this is one of the major reasons why God had me go to this school rather than a larger university. It wasn’t because He wanted me to compare myself to other people and judge my worth based on the differences. It was because He wanted to show me this part of myself and help me rise above it, by learning to be inspired by the achievements of the people around me and be proud of who I am in my own right.
Easier said than done? Of course. But I think, with the help of about 25 friends, I am at least beginning to learn.
Oh PS – I like to think that I write this blog for actual people to read it. As such, I would love to hear your suggestions for future topics you would be interested in reading what I have to say about. And as always, you can ask me anything you’d like. Feel free to use the form below to contact me for anything.
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