Ok— maybe I’m not honestly planning on having 17 children. Actually, I’m not thinking about having children at all right now (due, of course, to my unmarried state).
I do, however, come from a family of 5 children—which for many people is a lot of children, especially given the fact that we are all within 2 years apart from one another. Every one of my 4 siblings is married with at least 1 child, giving me a grand total of 8 adorable nieces and nephews. And wanna know the “crazy” thing?
None of my siblings (nor my parents) practice artificial birth control. And if/when I get married, I won’t either.
Call it what you will. Irresponsible. Insane. Outright disturbing. I’ve heard it all before, and it only makes me more proud to be a part of a family that lives out and takes seriously this most controversial teaching of the Catholic Church. It’s not that I enjoy controversy for controversy’s sake. No—it’s that I wholeheartedly believe that a fuller truth, a truer happiness, and a more authentic love are on our side when it comes to the stance my family takes on using artificial contraception.
Why? Because I believe in marriage, and I believe in love. I believe the most perfect expression of the love between a husband and wife is the sexual union. And I unreservedly reject anything that seeks to cheapen or distort that expression of love and turn it into something it is not. To me (and I believe to anyone who really sits down and reflects on it with an open mind for some time), contraception is one of those things.
My family believes (as the Catholic Church teaches) that the purpose of sex within marriage is twofold: 1) for the unity of the couple, and 2) for the procreation of offspring. Don’t misunderstand my meaning. This DOES NOT mean that I think every time a married couple has sex that they need to be intending or trying to have a child. It simply means that the married couple needs to be open to having children as a result of their union.
It’s pretty clear why the unitive aspect of sex is so important to a married couple; but to our modern society, it’s far less clear why it matters that a couple be open to having children every time they engage in sex. Simply put, the reason is: love.
Life-giving Love: Sex is supposed to be a total gift of yourself to your spouse. The act of sex renews the wedding vows, to hold nothing back from your partner. Using contraception, we close off a part of ourselves from our spouse, cheapening the authentic expression of total, life giving love that sex is meant to be.
Respect: Because contraception rejects the life-giving aspect of the sexual union, I believe that it is a form of disrespect to the body—making the body little more than a mere instrument used for sexual pleasure. Of course, it is not at all that I think that most couples that use birth control are doing so with the intent of using one another, but I do think that, over time, it can be an unintended, and undesired effect (even if the couple cannot specifically point to birth control as the reason for their eventual emotional distance).
Come on, Get Real
I do realize (as does the Catholic Church) that often times there are legitimate reasons to space out or delay pregnancy within a family. In those cases, it is still not ever a good idea to contracept, because all of the negative effects that come with it still apply. However science has made great strides in a natural way for couples who need to either delay or achieve pregnancy. It’s called Natural Family Planning, and it has a near 99% success rate.
Rather than unnaturally altering or inhibiting the proper functions of the body, NFP requires the couple work with the woman’s body to achieve the desired result (it involves charts and temperature taking and all that jazz. Of course I’ve never done it, so I can’t really tell ya from experience). I can tell you that couples who practice NFP have a divorce rate less than 1% (fact). Though it’s important to realize that it’s not necessary for every couple—I believe that if you have the means to support a family and don’t have a good, non-selfish, reason for delaying children, there is no need to practice NFP in order to delay pregnancy. Love can’t be selfish, so neither can sex, right?
A Final Word on Children
People are uncomfortable with large families and lots of kids. I’ve never understood why. Though children are often messy and difficult to control, any mentally stable person who has children will tell you without hesitation about the joy that children bring to a life and to a marriage. Is raising a family easy? Hardly. Does the love they bring to a family make up a hundred fold for all of the struggle? Drawing from my own experience growing up in a larger family and from literally anyone I have talked to about their children, you better believe it does.
I think that some families though, under the guise of being “open to children” become irresponsible in their sex lives and drive their families to the point of living of welfare as a result. I think that is wrongand irresponsible. Not that they should use birth control, but that they should be determined to develop the discipline needed to practice NFP if need be when they plan on getting married. I have seen this happen and it is sad and frustrating to witness.
Great point; and I think you’re right (as abundant examples in the media can attest). What frustrates me more, though, is when people see a big family and, without getting to know anything about them, immediately pull out the “irresponsible” label.
But you are right–chastity doesn’t end when two people get married. Self-discipline and self-control are important in a marriage regardless of whether or not a couple needs to practice NFP, because love has to be a free gift. It can’t be a free gift if you’re mastered by your passions, even within a marriage.
Typed that on my phone… Please excuse the typos.
Great article, Mary! Thanks for sharing – I’ll re-post : )
I agree with you but I also think we need to draw attention to the population. simply put, there are too many babies in the world already and so many without parents or homes and if everyone in the world were to stop taking birth control? holy cow. this earth was not made to house that many humans…
Or people could just stop having such rampant sex.
Or more people could practice NFP. (although there are other things to look at fixing first)
Or more people could understand the value of the family unit and not taint it with premarital sex or infidelity.
Not that any of these could happen all at once. Gradual change will be necessary.
Caitlin, here is an insightful video that may clear up some things –
http://overpopulationisamyth.com/overpopulation-the-making-of-a-myth
if there are nt many babies how wil the economy grow? we are already in a recession.And who wil take care of the old?
My husband and I are aware of NFP and have been since we got married. I would say we “practice” NFP but to use the word practice would mean that we actually chart and use it accordingly. Most people think that we’re crazy but we decided to hand our family over to God and see what he has planned for us. So far 2 years into marriage we have one precious son and hope to have another on the way soon. It is a big challenge to decide to give your family to God, but it can grow your love with each other and with God more than you could ever imagine. In a crazy sort of way it’s actually a lot LESS stressful always wondering am I pregnant or am I not pregnant. Maybe someday we’ll actually practice NFP but for at least the first 7 or 8 kids we will just welcome them as they come.
Well said, Mary! I am also one of 5 kids. My husband and I also practice (and always have) NFP and it is one of the most important choices we ever made. Most of my friends think we are nuts but I wish more people could see the benefit and wholeness it brings to a relationship.
If by “always have” you are referring to consistently recording data about your fertility, then that’s wonderful. However, according to Humanae Vitae, it is not something that should always be used in sexual practice. In fact it should only be used in “grave situations” temporarily until the situation is resolved. The Encyclical even goes on to spell out when these grave situations occur in the eyes of the Church: 1) In times of serious psychological problems 2) times of serious physical health problems 3) and times of serious financial distress.
Lastly, the Encyclical also instructs any couple planning to use NFP to consult their spiritual advisor, preferably a priest, before using NFP. Unfortunately, many within the Church who teach NFP choose to ignore the basic requirements out of convenience or to putting a liberal spin on the original text in H.V.
Will a married couple who has 9 kids 18 months apart be able to afford the perpetual bills of college education or other education/preparation for life outside the nest without the burden of multiple thousands of dollars of loans (imagine at least two kids in college at the same time for 13+ years after the first finishes his/her high school education)? Looking at the future is prudent. Saying “I don’t want to have a 5th kid because we won’t be able to afford our yearly Disney World vacation as easily” is also looking at the future, but is selfish. There is a fine line and while we can remind each other to approach these issues prayerfully, we should also remind each other to approach them with love.
Contra = Against
Conception = Life
I think it’s interesting when you break down the word to its origin that it literally in the case of the word “contraception”means “against life.” Any form of contraception is diabolically opposed to the teachings of Yahshua and Elohim!
I wish your poll had an option that said, “I 100% respect your right to make this decision for yourself, and I wish Catholics respected my decision to choose the opposite.”
We all respect the free will of any member of the human race. But some acts of a free will cannot be respected, and that is obvious. Some decisions can be wrong, and people of faith and virtue need not hide their knowledge of the truth. Everyone deserves to hear the truth.
Of course, that would imply that I don’t respect your right to make your own decision in the first place, which would be misleading 🙂
I don’t think I said once in the post that people should not be able to make their own decisions. I was just writing in hopes that people would see the logic (and the beauty!) behind mine.
Peace.
Very nice article! You make sense and show you actually know what you’re talking about. I come from a family of 7 (full blood) siblings, and often times when people find out they are quick to jump to conclusions that my life must suck. But it’s much better than the typical 2 kids in a family, though challenging at times especially since I’m the oldest! How did 4 of your siblings find faithful people??! I find it hard to find good Catholics in my area with morals. I feel like it’s just me and my siblings sometimes. It’s good to see there are others out there!
Just trust in God and pray for your future spose. He knows your needs. I was not a Catholic and debating between two paths, secularism or finding faith when I found the Catholic church and my future husband. My husband was always praying for me before he knew me. Although even after marriage it feels like we’re the only ones sometimes. I’ll pray for you (and her)!
“It is now quite lawful for a Catholic woman to avoid pregnancy by a resort to mathematics, though she is still forbidden to resort to physics or chemistry.”– H. L. Mencken
God gave women a cycle for a reason. They are using the gift that God gave them.
Great blog post! I’d just like to add one thing. I don’t know a ton about NFP, but I do know that if you practice it, in addition to knowing what days the woman is infertile, you also know what days she is most fertile, making it easier to conceive. I know that a lot of couples have fertility problems, and for them NFP could not only be used to regulate the birth of their children but also become pregnant more easily.
I haven’t looked at other comments so i am sorry if i am asking something that has already been addressed. Question: I am currently on the pill for other reasons then preventing an unplanned pregnancy. I have severe menstrual pain and very irregular cycles. If i get married should i stop taking the pill ? Or is it the intention that matters?
Laura: There are other ways of addressing any medical conditions that might be causing your symptoms. I would encourage you to look up NaPro technology and the Creighton Institute. Often the pill is a quick fix, but taking the time to find the underlying causes of your pain is really important to your long term health and fertility.
I was also on the pill for 3 years for severe cramping and ovarian cysts and I met a friend who goes to a OB/GYN who doesn’t perscribe birth control and she introduced me to charting. While it isn’t as easy as just taking a pill, it is certainly worthwhile. Your body is such a beautiful balance of hormones that just knowing yourself and planning ahead, you can naturally alleviate many female “problems”
I also took the pill for a couple years for acne and irregular cycles…I am not sexually active, so theoretically speaking, the Church is not opposed to that kind of use. HOWEVER, after learning the negative side of the pill (gigantic increased chance of breast cancer, possible infertility, etc.) I chose to stop taking it and told my OB-GYN that I refused to be on it and my problems would have to be fixed some other way. She suggested that I see an Endocrinologist in order to get to the bottom of my symptoms and this doctor told me that while the pill can “fix” problems like cramps and irregular cycles, it can also mask the underlying issues which are causing these symptoms.
Long story short, the best thing for your body is to find out what is causing these symptoms because most doctors use the pill as the cure-all and neglect to look further into what’s happening inside. Talk to your doctor, (pray for her before your appt, that she may be understanding) and see what other options are available to you, because truly, you don’t want to be on that medication for too long.
God bless!
I must correct you on one thing though. The universal Law of the Church regarding the purpose of Marriage is 1) procreation and 2) mutual support and love. Not the other way around.
Pax vobiscum.
CCC 2363 “The spouses’ union achieves the twofold end of marriage: the good of the spouses themselves and the transmission of life. These two meanings or values of marriage cannot be separated without altering the couple’s spiritual life and compromising the goods of marriage and the future of the family.”
I think you’re splitting hairs here. The point is that the two cannot be separated; not that one is more important than the other. In any case, in the Catechism, fidelity is actually listed before fecundity.
Mary, while you are simply echoing the Catechism, it seems you are missing Maarten87’s point, that the Church has always taught, until the dawn of Personalism, that procreation is the primary end of marriage, and the second is the mutual support of the spouses (and the third is the remedy for concupiscence.)
I know you are coming from the TOB mindset of Christopher West and other innovators, but perceiving the subtle difference between the classic order of ends in marriage that Maarten87 pointed out, and the new, altered ordering of the ends is as delicate a task as it is for most people to understand why the use of contraception, even in marriage, is immoral.
I’ve never thought of that. Thanks! I’ve just never been taught that there was a “universal order” to the goals of the sexual union. It makes sense; and I would never argue that the unitive aspect is more important than the procreative…I’ve just never heard it argued the other way (by the Church) either. Can you point me to where I could find that?
Compare the Code of Canon Law published in 1917 (Canon 1013) with the Code of Canon Law published in 1983 (Canon 155).
*Can 1055
I am one of 13 kids. My parents have been married 40 years. I currently have 16 nieces and nephews. Large families provide a different view of the world and usually raise happy, well adjusted, and generous children who contribute to society. Life may be unorganized and crazy, but children are always a blessing! I am not married, but believe whole heartedly in the Church’s teachings and LOVE seeing big families at Mass. I believe the health of a parish is reflected in it’s children.
Practicing NFP is not just a method used for avoiding pregnancy but achieving one. If a couple were to chart their menustral cycle first they can fall pregnant a lot quicker and easier than if they just go oh well I’m not using anything I’ll fall pregnant soon but this is not always the case. If a couple do not have the natural knowledge of the times in the month when they could fall pregnant and not then it can sometimes take them a little while longer to fall pregnant as opposed to the couples who actually use the method to achieve pregnancy.
Plenty of stats and studies here http://onemoresoul.com/category/contraception/risks-consequences
family planning does not have a 99% effectiveness rate–any doctor who has learn about reproductive health will tell you that
good article and comments. Many make good sense and agree with the reasoning, but I feel it is a decision between a husband & wife when planning thier family, and they should discuss it together and pray about it, then decide what is best for thier family, finances, etc. Too many pregancy’s may not be healthy for the mothers body at times, so you need to consider this as well. We decided on 2 kids, adopted our 3rd and became the guardians of 2 more, giving us 5 kids to raise. This was God’s plan for us..
Why do you not raise the issue of over-population and the reduction in renewable resourses, the scarcity of food in developing countries and the need for an overhaul of the world economic rational the fallows from this pipe dream that says grow or persish. Can the world support a increasing population? You want 17 KIDS . Some thought might help the world and move away from the brink of unsustainablity
“Call it what you will. Irresponsible. Insane. Outright disturbing.
I’ve heard it all before, and it only makes me more proud…It’s not that I enjoy controversy for
controversy’s sake.” -This seems to be a Very contradictory statement.
“any mentally stable person who has children will tell you without
hesitation about the joy that children bring to a life and to a
marriage.” – This is one of many denigrations I see littering your work, perhaps it would be best to think a little longer before freely demeaning people.
I might also point out:
“When fertility awareness is used Correctly and Consistently, IT MAY reach effective rates around 90%…” However, “Typical use, which refers to the average use, shows a failure rate
of approximately 25%.” (American Pregnancy Association)
So, basically if you spend a sizable chunk of your time tracking, you can reach your “near 99%” – This however, is not what really gets me about all this.
Especially when I have seen many of the posts you have put forth and the
way you write them, you do seem to truly revel in controversy. I’m sure you’re initial thought is to respond to this by saying”I’m just very strong in my faith and opinions. And I like to share that.” However, there Is a fine line between sharing belief, and attempting to start arguments. This includes such practices as always defending a challenge to your statements, and at best escaping with some statement similar to, “I didn’t SAY you were wrong, or had to agree with me.” – “I don’t think I said once in the post that people should not be able to make their own decisions. – I was just writing in hopes that people would see the logic (and the beauty!) behind mine. ” – A.k.a. “I’m writing to try and argue that my view is the correct one.”
Of course I think my view is the correct one. It’s my blog–I’m allowed to argue my case 🙂
And yes, people are entitled to their own opinions and are free to make their own decisions. I’m free to lay out the arguments for mine. Arguments can be civil and productive; I’m not afraid to “start arguments”
“I’m sure you’re initial thought is to respond to this by saying ‘I’m just very strong in my faith and opinions. And I like to share that.’ However, there Is a fine line between sharing belief, and attempting to start arguments. This includes such practices as always defending a challenge to your statements,”
…That is a somewhat contradictory statement in itself. 🙂
“any mentally stable person who has children will tell you without
hesitation about the joy that children bring to a life and to a
marriage.”
I don’t understand your issue with this. You’re upset that I take issue with parents who don’t love their children?
My ex boyfriends family just had baby number ten and I couldn’t agree more with you! It gets a little crazy at times but the joy those children bring to them is amazing!
NFP is effective in theory, but not in practice. It is consistently documented as 75% effective.
I think that one of the main reasons for this is that it requires so much difficult discipline for the couple…especially during a woman’s fertile time when she tends to be physically, hormonally more interested in physical intimacy. AND, it requires the husband to basically be celibate for many days each month!NFP seems to put more barriers and hurdles between husband & wife than promoting intimacy. I have several friends who tried NFP (all 3 of them got pregnant when they were supposed to be “safe””!!!!!). 2 of them quit because it was far too difficult and ineffective!
In theory, NFP is effective. In reality, it is consistently documented as 75% effective.
No woman works like a machine…we all have off cycles, and things like fatigue, being sick with a cold/flu/fever….can affect it too.
Also, I think that NFP is not as effective because it is requires so much difficult discipline. It requires the couple to abstain during her fertile time when she is, generally, more interested and responsive to physical intimacy! And, it requires a man to abstain for many days each month!
It seems that NFP creates more barriers and hurdles to intimacy.
Anyone can come up with a “I used NFP and it was effective…” I have 3 friends who tried it, all 3 of them got pregnant when they were not trying to (during their “safe” days!!!) 2 of them quit because it was too difficult and ineffective!
Well, I guess we can trade “my friend said”s until we’re blue in the face, because I know plenty of people who have used it and it has been effective. Also, I’m not sure why you pointed to the man specifically…it takes two to tango, so if the man is abstaining, so is the woman! And a typical cycle only requires abstinence about 4-5 days out of the month.
But I agree, if you’re using NFP with a contraceptive mentality, it can create hurdles to intimacy. But that has everything to do with the contraceptive mentality.
You say that you don’t think that you half to want to have a child every time you copulate. Sorry, but you just contradicted the official position of the Catholic Church.
Actually what I said was that you don’t have to be “intending” to conceive every time you engage in the marital act. You DO have to remain open to the possibilty of conception, which is, in fact the official teaching of the Church (and the entire point of this post).
God Bless!
I grew up in a family of 12 kids and definitely don’t want that many children lol. I have endometriosis which makes pregnancy difficult and daily living so I’ll be using NFP and eventually going the surgical route if it gets to that point. I’m fine with having one child or none biologically even if it means through adoption as my family was built that way. I learned and have come to terms that God’s will isn’t always our own and I am fine with whatever that may be for me.
[…] When I Get Married, I Want 17 Kids […]
I know this is old, but I just have to point out that the Church IS in the process of changing this. The point of marriage is NOT just to have children. It is to unite two people into one. Children are a consequence of marriage but not the purpose. Just as, children are not the purpose of sex. Sex was created to unite two people. The possibility of children comes from unprotected sex, yes, but I do not believe that is the sole purpose. I am on a medication that can be fatal to unborn babies, so I and my husband have to use birth control, and have for most of our marriage (we have been married almost teo years). We have the most beautiful, intimate, fulfilling relationship. People have such a wrong idea about marriage. If we put more focus on the RELATIONSHIP and less on the children, I think a lot of marriages would be improved greatly. My husband and I are in the process of joining the Catholic church, and their view on BC is the one thing we do not agree with. But as I said, Pope Francis is looking to change the Church’s view on it. I think it’s so silly when fanatical Catholics blog on about how BC “frustrates God’s true intentions for sex”…these people obviously have not so great marriages…or they never HAVE been married. Because I can twll you, my husband and I have wonderful, beautiful, spiritual sex, while not using BC AND WHILE USING BC.