Stop me if you’ve heard this one.
Men and women can’t be just friends.
It was the main point of a video that made the rounds a few months back in the wonderful world of social media, shared below for your convenience.
Makes a compelling case. But regardless of which side of the fence you find yourself on in this debate, I think there is one thing on which we can all agree: dynamics are certainly different when there are members of the opposite sex present in a group of people than they are in a group composed of only men or only women. Translation: Ladies, your “best guy friend” acts differently when he’s with you than he does when he’s with his best guy friend (and he probably doesn’t refer to him as that, either).
As the video points out, the number one obstacle to a true guy-girl friendship are those pesky feelings. You may not have them for your friend, but whose to say that your “friend” doesn’t have them for you? And whose to say that your or your friend’s feelings won’t change (even if it be for no other reason than loneliness or boredom)? Let it be said that this tendency towards “feelings” is actually a good thing, so don’t try to snuff it out, because it only means you’re human. But knowing the tendency exists and being overcome by it are two different things. It’s the difference between living in reality and living in the seventh season of a sitcom. This is why we set boundaries.
The fact of the matter is: we are going to have friendships with people of the opposite sex. It’s a good and healthy thing—except when it’s not.
Given that the guy-girl friendship is a different relationship with different dynamics than a friendship made up of members of the same sex, it’s fitting that behavior patterns ought to be different as well. For example, it’s not exactly appropriate to have a sleepover with your friend of the opposite sex, whereas it’s totally normal behavior for friends of the same sex to stay the night at one another’s house from time to time. But that’s an obvious one (or at least, it was when we were 10, maybe not so much sometimes now that we’re older unfortunately). What kinds of emotional boundaries should there exist between friends of the opposite sex?
I’ve always thought that a good rule of thumb is to think of what it would be like if you or your friend was involved in a romantic relationship. Better yet, imagine it was your husband or wife who had a friend of the opposite sex, and what boundaries you would want that relationship to have. You probably wouldn’t be cool with them going out for coffee three times a week and texting every other hour. If that’s the case and yet that relationship describes your friendship with someone of the opposite sex right now, then it may not be the healthiest of relationships.
If it looks like a date, walks like a date, and smells like a date, then it just might be a date. Persistent one-on-one outings with the same friend of the opposite sex sends a message, not just to other people who may notice (and yes, they notice), but to yourself and to your friend. Better to set the boundaries for yourself now than to be wishing you did down the line when things get complicated.
Have all of the friends of the opposite sex that you please, but it’s of the utmost importance that you also have close friends who belong to your gender as well. I don’t care how well your best guy friend “gets” you— Only a woman can truly understand what it means to be a woman and only a man can truly understand what it means to be a man. Trust me, your relationships with people of the opposite sex will be all the more meaningful once you have real relationships with people of the same sex.
And, of course, as all relationships ought to be, ground your friendships—regardless of gender—in God and in prayer. 🙂
Great post, Mary! This dialogue needs to happen for sure. One thing that is awkward but goes along way is a conversation between the guy and girl. If one of the parties is genuinely just seeking friendship- then say so. Say that you are just interested in being friends so there is a bit of freedom there as you begin a sincere friendship. If one of the parties is worried the other one is starting to have feelings, bring up the conversation again, how glad you are that you are JUST friends.
You also touched on intimacy. Intimacy goes much more than physical, texting every hour and coffee three times a week is intimate. Ladies, guard your hearts. Just because he is giving you an ear and listening to you doesn’t mean you should take advantage of him. Men, same thing. Just because a woman is willing to ‘mother you’ doesn’t mean you should let her. Be a man and don’t ask her to carry your problems if you are not willing to give her emotional intimacy.
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Don’t I wish I had this advice earlier! What a lot of complications and heartache it can save in the long run.
I think this applies doubly so if you’re married. In fact, it’s probably not appropriate to go out or spend time with anyone of the opposite gender WITHOUT your husband or wife present.
Just to clarify regarding the last statement: I mean in a friendship context, not necessarily a business, church, or academic one.
Just stumbled onto this blog via the “Facebook Apostles” group. I love it! Insightful and refreshing. Keep it up (and check my blog out too!).
U so wise, gurl! 😉 kidding, kidding. Definitely some good stuff here Mary.
Mary,
This is a great post. I actually have almost all friends that are girls. So much so that it has become a running joke that I seem to keep a “harem” around. Thus I am a firm believer in the platonic relationship. I disagree that guys always have an ulterior motive. That being said, I am always careful to recognize that guy-girl relationships are different. When I hang out with a girl I usually let me girlfriend know and take extra precautions not to send the wrong message. Sometimes I screw up and that can cause issues. Thus I’ve always felt its key to show to any new female friend that “Hi, I’m Michael, I have a girlfriend who I am very committed to…” to try to guard against problems later. It’s an interesting dynamic and can be hard at times but I wouldn’t take it back for the world based on all the wonderful moments I’ve had in these friendships.
[…] off dating seriously until after high school. Cultivate real friendships instead—with both sexes (but do beware of the unhealthy guy-girl “friendship”). Hang out in group settings. Have fun! There is really no rush to be in a relationship. […]